Trying Times

I received an email recently from a very dear friend of mine, who expressed to me how, lately, she’s been consumed by feelings of aloneness and uncertainty about where she is going in life, and why.  I wasn’t surprised to hear this, as the “quarter-life crisis” seems to be going through my friends like a plague.  I thought I would share here my response to her, and my thoughts on our seemingly lost and disillusioned generation, in case anyone is interested in hearing my opinion on the matter!

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Dear Friend,

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so out of sorts.  I can tell you, though, that you are not alone.  It’s interesting - in the past year most of my closest girl friends have expressed similar feelings to me.  And although I’m feeling pretty good about things right now, I too am often struck by the same kind of “wtf” moments.

Almost every night I lie in bed and think about what I’m doing, where I’ve been, and where I’m  going, and what it culminates in is this black hole of helplessness…questions, questions, questions, rhetorically repeating themselves into infinity.  What am I doing.  Why am I doing it.  Where will it get me.  Specifically, right now I am doggedly pursuing my desire to enact social change, through the arts, in communities where social inequality runs rampant.   And I’ve crossed the ocean and am going sixty grand into debt to do it.  The question that haunts me at night is:  is that even possible?  Or is this just empty idealism?

And then there are the larger, even darker thoughts that steal into my head as I toss and turn.  Does it even matter what I do, when every action is so inconsequential in the face of what is happening in this world – with the waters rising, populations increasing, fresh water disappearing, and our global system plodding along, unstoppable, ever a slave to the consumer-driven greed of our capitalist system?  I don’t want to sound like a conspiracy theorist, and it’s not like I’m obsessed with Armageddon or death, but in the face of both of those impending things I feel like any decision I make is pointless.  How’s that for optimism?!

And I think it’s hardest on our generation – and maybe especially the women of our generation – than it has been for generations past.  It’s like the pretenses have all been stripped away for us, and we’re left with reality standing there in all its stark and hideous glory, with us unable to take our eyes off of it.  What good are our dreams and aspirations, our desire to change and shift the world, if in the end we are marching steadily not only to our own demise but a possible descent into social chaos, the destruction of world order, possibly to the extinction of humankind?  And I know it’s not just me that has these moments of hopelessness.  Jane Goodall touched on this phenomenon, wide-spread in the youth of today, in a 2007 TED talk which I would really recommend listening to.

 For those of us who have come to adulthood having developed a tendency to care deeply about things – about people, about community, about the environment, about ourselves – all of this is particularly difficult to come to terms with.  We are, like you said, at the point of life where “everyone is expecting you to say something more profound, or have you feet on the ground, and your head in the air ready for anything, working for something”.  And here we are, looking around at each other, wondering if anyone else around us has more answers then we seem to.

So all this to say, I guess, I hear you when you say you are terrified.  Maybe we are terrified for different reasons, but I am terrified too, and I think a lot of other women (and probably men) our age are as well.  Now, this could be taken as a comfort or as just another reason to be, well, terrified!  But I think it should be the former.  We are in this together.  I am rooting for you, and you are rooting for me.  And one thing that I think will save us in this world – as individuals and as communities – are people like you, and me, believing in each other, believing in our right to be happy, believing that we can make something good of our lives, and something good for the people in our lives.

Over the past few years, I’ve really been to some pretty dark moments of doubt and unhappiness.  I have always been an ambitious person, and to reach a point in life where I can’t see clearly where that ambition should lead or how or why it should lead there was…deflating, to say the least.  But what brought me out of this was a renewed focus on being content.  It was Stefania who said to me, that maybe happiness is too much to ask for – that we should focus instead of being content.  It’s a smaller goal, it demands less of us, but if we get there we can find peace with ourselves and with the demands of our environment.  It is just a matter of bringing good things - comforts, simple pleasures - into our lives.  Getting back to doing what we love.  And above all, giving ourselves a break and expecting less of ourselves.

We only have one tiny stretch of time in an infinite universe of existence, and I think the most we can aim for in that time is to spend as much of our lives being as content as we can.  It’s not about knowing exactly where you’re going or how to get there.  It’s not about having the most money, the best boyfriend, the most impressive job.  It’s not about having the most active social life, or even making the most difference in your community.  If these things happen in your life, it should be gravy.  The meat and potatoes that we need to live on are the things that give you that little warm glow of peace inside, that lead to soft, far-away gazes and subtle smiles.

It’s different for everyone, but think of the things that lead to this inner contentment as those which are easily experienced, as often as you need them to be.  For me it’s keeping close to my family and my most genuine and inspiring friends, and letting them know how much they mean to me.  It’s being by a lake.  It’s sitting by a campfire, or remembering the smell of woodfire in the fall.  It’s cooking while singing along to Leonard Cohen.  It’s having faith in my inner artist - writing, taking pictures, and going to life drawing classes that let me explore and express and release.  It’s doing yoga – the kind of yoga that brings me to a place where I can breathe better and relax more than I ever thought possible.  And my two favourites – because of their constancy and ease of access – are having a warm cup of tea and a good book to read.

So I don’t know if this helps at all, all of this theorizing and I know it all sounds a bit idealistic and maybe doesn’t help if you still feel lost in the grander scheme of things.  But I believe that if you find your small comforts, and focus on them, and keep yourself happy, then the rest will follow.  Don’t think you have to have it all figured out.  Don’t think you have to know where home is.  Don’t worry about being terrified, or about being alone.  We’re all terrified, and we’re none of us alone.  I have so much faith in you.  And it’s not faith that is predicated on you doing anything world-changing (although I don’t doubt you could and maybe you will).  I have faith that you will find your own way of being content, and at peace with yourself, and that you will continue to enjoy great joys and loves and and laughs and all those little things that make our lives worth living.  Because you are one of the funnest, most joyous and most caring people I know.  You are a unique and beautiful person.  And so you are already a success – everything else is just gravy.

All my love,

Robin